oh the doubts

posted on: Thursday, April 4, 2013

So this is a post about how dreams can not only be scary, but they can make you doubt yourself in every way possible.

Do you ever notice how big dreams often seem like a joke to some people? Let’s be honest here, to be a successful, professional musician is not the most stable career choice, nor is it the easiest to obtain. What am I even doing?

Yesterday I spent two straight hours recording a two minute song over and over and over and over. On one hand, I practiced guitar for two hours and my almost-calloused fingers are thankful for that. On the other hand I felt like I wasted those two hours because I hated every. single. take. It was frustrating. Granted, I am relying on barely-there guitar skills, a mic built into my laptop and Photobooth to record it(with dogs who barked during the best takes), but still. I felt so defeated by the end of it and just wanted to curl up and sleep the rest of the night away. Feeling like you’re inadequate for the big dreams God has placed on your heart is one of the worst feelings. To want something and feel like you can’t have it because you’re not good enough(or so those little lies in your head tell you).

The worst.

It brings up all sorts of icky feelings. Regret that I didn’t major in music in college or stick with piano lessons and guitar lessons when I took them as a kid. When all I had to do with my time was music. I didn’t have bills to pay, the stress of being basically unemployed wasn’t on my shoulders. If only I could walk up to fourteen-year-old Katy and tell her to stick with guitar, that it does get easier and it’s so worth it because it’ll hit you one day that a career in music is all you ever wanted. It’s what you love, it’s what makes you feel alive. That you think in lyrics for a reason.

I don’t know where I’m going with this except…words. I needed to put down these words. I need to stick with it for me today and stop doubting myself so much so that 30-year-old Katy doesn’t come back and bash me over the head with a guitar, because I don’t play it anymore. I need to keep going. I have so much to prove, I really do. Mostly to myself. The main thing I’m lacking is confidence. Confidence in myself, confidence in my voice.

It’s not going to magically come together right away, it’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of hard work. Work I want to do.

The doubts and the lies that flood my mind? They prove I’m onto something good. I just know it.

  • I like the saying, “If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” We almost always feel inadequate for the tasks God puts on our heart…but they are there for a reason! Stick with it girl, I can’t wait to hear your amazing song! :)

  • Thank you! It’s a cover I’m working on and I know it’s not going to happen overnight. Trying to be patient! It’ll all happen when it’s supposed to happen. Thank you for always sharing truth, Angela!

  • I believe in you. Thoughts of playing music, songwriting etc has been present in your blog since the beginning and I think something like that doesn’t stick with you for so long unless there’s a great passion there. Can’t wait to hear something! Have a beautiful weekend-