A tough season

posted on: Tuesday, December 18, 2012

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Have you ever had seasons where you’re just “in it” and you can’t get out of it? Just so in your head, feeling so down and not sure how to pick yourself up again. I wasn’t full blown in it, but I was wading in the waters of it. I’ve been struggling, friends. Struggling to feel like I’m contributing, to feel worthy, to feel good about myself in this season of unemployment. This isn’t easy to admit, and (side note to my parents), please don’t be worried. I’m okay, really. I just want to be honest.

That’s why I stepped away from my computer completely for a couple of days. It was needed. I was going to return on Friday, but the news of what happened in Newtown, CT floored me and shattered my heart. I couldn’t form enough words. There were no words. There hardly are now.

I graduated with a degree in elementary education. My full-time internship was with first graders. I loved those kids so much and the idea of anyone hurting them, I can’t even go there. So while I’m having a rough time, I know it’s nothing compared to the feeling that an entire community is feeling after going through the most tragic, heartbreaking circumstance of their lives.

My season is tough and I’m allowed to have hard days, but when tragedies occur, it really brings focus back to what’s important. Life is far too short to wallow in my own sadness for things that will work themselves out in the end. God is working it all out and I needn’t be so stressed about it. I shouldn’t find my value in the job I don’t have or compare myself to others when I see their successes. I have my family around me, they are all safe and I will get to spend Christmas with most of them. We’re okay. We have everything we need and while it’s not a surplus, it’s all we need right now. Honestly, I’ve been having to fight for my joy and while at times I’m tired, I need to keep fighting for that joy.

My prayers are with the families of the victims and everyone impact by what happened on Friday in Connecticut.