The audition.

posted on: Thursday, August 4, 2011

So, yesterday didn’t go as I had hoped.

What had I hoped? The very least, I hoped I would have left feeling that I did my best and would feel okay with my performance. That didn’t really happen.

I arrived at the church about forty-five minutes early. With a racing heart and some deep breaths I sung my way through the first verse of amazing grace and the first half of my song of choice, “Dock Of The Bay” by Otis Redding. I wanted to sing something a little different and with seventy-five people auditioning, I’m glad I chose that song. After practicing a couple times and noticing a couple girls walking in, I joined them. Turns out I was already number seventeen. This is a big church and I’ve heard people have auditioned for the worship band a few years in a row. Talk about intimidating!

We waited in a room for a while and luckily, my friend Whit was there for something else. Although her “pep-talk” was “Well, I’m just glad I don’t have to sing.” I had to laugh and really did feel better that she was there. We were finally told how the process would work and that they would line up people by groups of ten. I was in the second group to line up and honestly, the waiting was the worst part. I felt calm most of the day, but the last couple of moments really got to me.

They had a system to move everyone up. The next two people were moved in as the third person auditioned. The first spot I moved to was a small little room where I had time to pray and take some deep breaths. I was also encouraged, again, to not be nervous. I then walked to the side stage where I watched the girl in front of me audition, she was so sweet and did great but I could tell she was nervous too. I took some deep breaths and walked on stage when it was my turn. I felt confident when talking to them, but then they told me to sing. I opened my mouth and sang the first verse of Amazing Grace. My voice was shaky, although the parts that I could control were fine. I hit the higher note, which was a relief but the shakiness in my voice only worked to freak me out more. I kept thinking to myself, “Calm down, seriously. You’re fine, you can do this. You’ve practiced, take a deep breath.” It was as if I had no control. I couldn’t get it together. I sang my next song and felt more of the same. Once I was done I smiled, walked out, and walked to my car unable to think of much else. I said bye to Whit and held it in until I got into my car.

I grabbed my phone and immediately sent Adam a text.

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I then called my mom and that’s where all of the nerves, stress and lack of sleep came into play. The floodgates opened and couldn’t be stopped. It shook my confidence, a lot. I expected to at least feel good about my audition, but instead I felt frustrated and defeated. I couldn’t control my emotion and just had to let it go. It was like running a race that you know you can perform well in because you’ve done it before, but your body just isn’t working with you that race. It happens. I started my drive home and talked to Adam a bit, where I cried some more. It wasn’t that I was upset about my chances of getting the spot, I’m honestly okay either way, but my dream is to sing and I couldn’t get a grip on my voice. Granted, most singing opportunities are not a capella(I’m much more comfortable with music, even with just a guitar). But I couldn’t think of that at the time.

I got home and cried on Adam’s shoulder and talked it through. I felt really down, but knew a lot of people were rooting for me, so I posted about it on Facebook. The messages I received from family and friends was overwhelming. People telling me how proud they were of me, how this is just the beginning, my mom calling me her hero, all of that. It was incredible. I just feel SO encouraged again. I haven’t sung in front of strangers in three years. I haven’t sung into a mic in four. It’s one thing to sing with people you’re comfortable with(which is still hard for me). It’s very different to sing for strangers, on a stage and into a mic when you’re not used to it.

The biggest lesson God is teaching me through this? Even after all of that, I still want to pursue music. I actually want it more now. That’s a big deal for me. I could run away from this because of a difficult experience. But you have to start somewhere. I’d rather start at the bottom and work my way up by practicing. I need to get out there, perform in public more, learn an instrument(working on the guitar and have my eye on learning piano) and continue writing songs. It just makes me want to work that much harder for it. If this is what it took for me to realize that? It was totally worth it. I faced my fear, I’m starting to chase my dream and I feel so much better today.

Thank you for your words of support, prayers, encouragement and cheers. I’m so glad I’m taking you all on this journey with me. To be honest, when it didn’t really go well, I was so upset that I had to tell you all that it didn’t go well. I thought for a moment, “Gosh, it would have been so much easier to not have told them and to just move on now.” But, this is my life and I’m not giving up on this yet. So this journey will continue and I hope you will continue on it with me.

Thank you, friends.

  • Aww Katy, I’m so proud of you just for auditioning! As someone who has stage fright, I can totally relate. That took a lot of guts and strength and you were so brave! I think you should be proud of that! :)

  • Hey sweet girl,

    It gets easier! I lead worship at my church every week now and when I first started singing like once a month I would get shakey and stuff but it goes away. Keep putting yourself out there and you will become more confident in yourself and learn how to channel those nerves to God. SO proud of you for trying. Think of this as a positive slope in the all our scheme of your music career. It can only get better :) The creative process is funny that way. It will make you want to kill yourself one day and then as it continues makes you enjoy life more.

  • <3!

  • So proud of you for getting out there and doing it. It will get better the more you do it! :)

  • <3! I don't think I even have the musical talent to even sing so I will just stick to my car and the shower and you can take the center stage! Maybe post some youtube clips to have a virtual audience?

  • Thanks so much, Diana. I’m working on it. ;) No, no..I really am proud of myself. It was definitely a growing experience!

  • Thanks so much Whitney! I’m glad to hear it gets easier. I definitely am working on channeling my anxiety to the Lord, but sometimes those nerves over take me. It’s a constant exercise! I know he put me at that audition for a reason. That’s all that matters. :)

  • <3 right back. ;)

  • Thanks Jen! It definitely will. I’m in the mindset now that for how I was feeling, I did do the best I could do. I just need to get used to singing in public more. It’s going on my list of goals. :)

  • Yes, that’s the plan! Once I can get a few songs down on guitar/piano I plan on starting to record some videos to share with everyone. That’ll be the biggest step, just getting it out there and hearing honest feedback. That’s how you grow in anything, right? Right. ;)

  • Jen

    Aww Katy I am so sorry it didn’t go as well as hoped! BUT I am super proud of you! It’s a huge step in the right direction, girl. I bet the next audition goes even better. I have so much faith that you’ll overcome your nerves and be singing for us all to hear soon :)

  • I am amazed that you had the courage to even go! I couldn’t imagine trying to sing in front of people, given I have NO voice whatsoever. You had to start somewhere right? You’ll keep getting better and better I am sure. Keep your faith strong and trust in your talents! =)

  • I am so encouraged by your ability to face your fear head on!! Despite the audition not going as you hoped you are able to reflect on the experience and use it to move you forward towards your goals. This is so inspiring!! God was with you during each moment of the audition and He will no doubt continue with you on this journey. He sticks with us through the ups and downs. Keep the faith and keep pursuing your dreams! Thanks for being real. Love the blog!

  • Katy, I am sorry the audition did not go as well as you hoped. I think it is courageous and inspiring of you to keep going for your dream though! This audition will make you stronger and more brave for the next! You rock!

  • Yes, yes! That’s the goal. :) I’d love to get to the point where I can start playing for others. I’m really excited to see where it goes. Thank you for your encouragement! I want another dinner or fro-yo date soon!

  • Thank you so much, Christie. :) Can’t wait to meet you in person!!!

  • Aw, Brittnie! So true, God is with us through the little as well as the big things in our life. We just need to trust Him! This just made my day. It’s hard to be 100% honest and open on the blog, so to hear this is super encouraging. Thank you for your kind words. So happy you’re reading. :)

  • Thanks so much Jes! I don’t often feel like I rock, so thank you for the encouragement!